It's over???

I am very confused as to how I should feel right now. As only a little snippet of my story has been shared, heres some heavy shit. So on 6/15/14, and very fitting I think that it was Fathers day,........The pedophil,  the ruiner of my life, my Mothers invisible murderer, the victimizer of any girl he could get his nasty hands on, finally DIED. I wish there would be a grave to dance on. The man had Parkinson's disease and cancer. Apparently the cancer spread and ultimately killed him. I hope it was painful. But seriously, he couldnt have died a year and 4 months ago?! Maybe my Mom wouldve been able to move on had the fuck been gone. Sorry for the language. Im pissed. Where does he get off having peace while I am stuck in this hell on earth, thinking about how he may have gotten redemption and may be in heaven victimizing my mom all over. Or does she know hes dead, has she forgiven him. A whole host of questionsare raised for me. This isnt even close to being over, there is no such thing as closure. There is no magical time that heals all. There is no fairy godmother. And there is no loyaltyto the ones that deserve it. He gets to be cremate and have a memorial service, OH and yes... he also gets an obituary with a fairy tale of how he was a father and brother and all that. And of course no one respects the honor of my Moms memory or respects my wishes. My moms side of the family had the nerve to list my mom in his obituary. The person she most feared, the person she hated the most, the thief of her ssecurity and childhood, was able to victimize her once again thru his family (they obviously weren't moms) with a fictional writingof his life. He, like the Devil, killed and destroyed. He created depression, dispair, disfunction, warped ideas about love. He stole childhoods, sisterly love, brotherly love. He stole my Mom from me and my brother  as children. She stole my Dads wife, my Grandmas daughter. Why did she get forgotten and forsaken by her family, and he gets a fairy tale. I feel like posting his name so that it can be known that he was scum, a putrid human being. He was not my Moms father. And now I question whether my step dad was stupid enough to list him as her father and I can not bring myself to read it to find out. Im so angry. I can not adequately express what I feel or how badly I want someone to pay for this. I must remember I cant controle everything. I wish I had an answer.

The Secret

So because I had said to Mom and Dad what Grandpa had done, the secret came out. My Mom finally revealed that her Dad had raped her since she could remember. Now the "good touch, bad touch" talk made sense. She never wanted to talk about it. It was very difficult for her to understand that it wasnt her fault, that she had done nothing wrong. She really and truly thought she was the only one. Its sad that she felt so alone. Its even worse that when her truth came out, so did her sister's. He had violently and methodically molested and raped my mom and two Aunts. One of my Aunts can not have children. The other has been in non healthy relationships. My mom, looked for love in all the wrong spots. My Dad, brother and I were all there for her. It just wasnt enough. How could it be?! The person that is suppose to protect you and comfort you took your security, your peace of mind. He taught her sex is love, and it effectively ruined who she couldve been. Dont get me wrong, she was a great Mom to us. We were always clean and fed. She made most of our clothes, years later she made all of my homecoming dresses. She was a master seamstress. She was also an artist.  My favorite movie as a kid was Wizard of Oz, so Mom painted a mural around my room. They were all on the yellow brick road, every character. Everyone came to admire her work. Kind of ironic, where was that yellow brick road when she needed it?!
So back in that day, pedophiles went to mental hospitals, off Grandpa went. That made me feel like I had done wrong. I got everyone mad at Grandpa and now Mom is
super sad. I know not my fault, however who's ever been able to control their emotions, especially at 4 yrs old. So now everyone knows the secret. Lots of pity and judgement flying my moms way. I have to admit later in life, I judged her too. Shameful. I will get into that more next time. But for now Grandpa is out of our lives. Little did I know, shit was gonna hit the fan.

whats what

I have been told by many people that in the face of
tragedy, that you should document your inner most feelings. Thats what this blog will be about. I will speak of my childhood, molestation,incest, and worst of all my mothers suicide. I find that each day is one foot in front of the other, thats when I can actually get out of bed. Time heals all, they say. Where is this magical time that takes it all away? Calgon! Where are you? Do you not see my pain? Do you not see that I am unraveling at the seams? My hope is that someone out there will read my blog and learn from my life. This isnt just about what has been done to me. Its about what was done to her. Completely preventable! So I hear the best place to start is the beginning,  so here I go. Wish me luck.

My very first memory as a child was not the typical. I was 3 1/2. I was sitting eating my morning cereal, my parents at the table drinking their coffee. I saymatter of fact, Grandpa showed me his penis. WHAT??!!! What happened next i didnt undunderstand at the time. All I remember is all my dads siblings holding him down, then cops everywhere. But what I do remember clearly is how my Mom had taught me" good touch, bad touch" . Dont go into Grandpas bathroom with him, or his bedroom. It wasnt till much later in life that all this information clicked! Still to this day I think, please no! Say its not true. But it was. This is my Truth. There will be triumps, you just have to really look. Dont worry, I will point them out. Till tomorrow..,,God Bless