Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The World sees saddness, RIP Robin Williams

No one family is immune to depression and suicide. I am not big into the Hollywood scene. Like Kardashian who?? However when a situation like a kind, loving comedian completes suicide I feel its my duty to speak out. Robin Williams battled depression for years. He has spoke out on this at times. But I hear people asking why didn't he make a big deal of it. Well I will tell you why. If he had come out and said, I am depressed and want to die, our society would've made a mockery of it. I can hear it in my head. The world saying, he makes millions of people laugh everyday but he cant make himself happy. Or hes a coward or you can choose to get over your sadness. Its frustrating to hear how un educated some are on this subject.
  Depression is a disease  just like, alcoholism, cancer, arthritis, ect. Like some its treatable. Having depression is taboo, just like in the 50's they still didn't discuss rape or molestation. People are afraid of becoming a mockery. They want some one who really cares and they seldom find them. And honestly if they haven't experienced depression, how can they help and wont they be in hiding anyway?! A myth of depression is if that you act happy you will be happy. Another myth, alcoholism or drug abuse is not the cause of depression. It becomes a symptom of their depression. This mental illness needs attention. Chances are if your reading this, you know someone with depression but they haven't told you. The signs are there. Are they blowing you off when the outing planned is a fav of theirs, or are they sleeping a lot. Do you get one word responses more often than not. Its a serious illness are it is treatable. And more often than I care to admit this illness leads to suicide.
     So lets jump right into the absolute ASSHATS that say suicide is cowardly. Imagine your in your room. No one is home and your favorite saddest songs are playing. Now look down into your lap and look at that .357 Ruger pistol....pick it up. Now stare down that barrel and pull the trigger. Does that sound cowardly to you? It scares the hell out of me just thinking about it. The Suicide scenario I just described was my Moms suicide. In that moment, as much as I hate it, that was the most courage she has ever had. When I was 11, we had attorneys everywhere. From that point on for about 1 years, all my mom would do is sit in her rocking chair and stare out the window. She wouldn't eat, speak, and barely slept. I understood at that point that she was thinking of suicide. So everyday I would get out of the bus and run as fast as I could to get into the house before my lil brother. She never tried. She hung on everyday for us. For 21 more years she clung to life, even tho she battled her past and her demons every second. My Mom was courageous for me and my brother.
      There is so much to the issue of depression and suicide. I wish somehow his family could see this and know they are not alone. A huge number of people understand their pain, guilt, denial, rage, and every other emotion that goes into this grief.
        Today is 1 year, 5 months, 4 hours and 5

minutes since my Mom completed Suicide. Everyday I miss her, grieve her. Everyday I think what if, could I have.
She is my reason for this blog, this fight I will not give up on. She is the reason I will help anyone and everyone I can. I love you Mom, always have, always will.

 In loving memory...Kathlene Elaine King

In loving memory and condolences to
Robin Williams family. My Mom will keep him laughing in Heaven. We will all meet again.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

The woulda, coulda, shoulda Guilt

Im honestly scared that my Mom thought I didnt love her. I stopped talking to her regularly about six months before her suicide. There are many reasons why I came to that decision. All of which now dont seem like such a big deal. Hindsight is 20-20 right. I would change everything about how I reacted to her. I should have tried harder to help her, to take her threats more seriously. I should have listened better.
            But for me it was the samething over and over. She was the victim, she had the issue. It seemed like I was the parent to her more the she to Me. And yet I would take allof it back and more if I could have her back. My soul, my being, aches for my Mommy. She didnt say goodbye to me or my brother. I didnt get to see her physical body, as morbid as it is, when you dont see the body, denial is incredibly easy. It becomes what you stand on. It creates false hope. The day that it really and truly hits are no longer who you once were. And where do you start as an adult?! And who do you ask for advice if your Mom is gone?! Who do I ask about the girl shit i still need to know?!
                    Im ashamed at how I reacted. Im ashamed that I assumed she would always be there, and that I still had time to make up with her. I loved my Mom tremendously. She was smart (IQ 170), she was an artist. Not only could she paint and draw, she could also sew clothing like nobodys business. She had a great sense of humor. She gave great hugs.
I miss her hugs.
I wish she could communicate with me somehow.

Saturday, August 9, 2014


As scary as this is to say, I feel like a whole lot of people would be better off without me. I would be better off not stealing someones oxygen. I cant seem to make anyone happy much less myself. I hate myself completely. I dont even know who I am, but I hate her. She is whiny and weak. She lets others make her feel worthless. Fitting the word worthless is, someone I love very much once pointed that fact out, so it must be true. I like to do nice things for people but in the end it doesn't come back my way.
     What I do have is a never ending pool of sadness and despair. Every moment of everyday I think of my Mom. I miss her bad today, as I do everyday. How do I go on? Who can tell me how to let go? Where is that proverbialtime that heals all wounds? Because all time is doing for me now is making it worse. Every second that ticks by, she is father away from me. Any suggestions? Im on the hhypothetical ledge.....someone please talk me down. Im tirwd of pretending that I am ok. Tired of pretending that Im happy with the circumstances, with myself, with my non existent family. Why do those that love you run from the adversity that you are facing. We are just strangers with thw same last name. Im dying inside. The walls are getting taller and thicker. Is anyone out there where I am?