Saturday, October 11, 2014

The emotional turmoil of Suicidal aftermath

      I feel like I am closer to my goal, still so very far away, but closer. My goal being, to tell Moms and My story to anyone that will listen. That our story will help someone, anyone. If this could help just one person, Moms memory will live on forever due to her being part of someone else's story. It also feels a little wrong, selfish even. But she is the reason for my inspiration. And every artist wants their art to live on forever. I must say that I did have help pushing me in the right direction.
       My Moms suicide has made me realize that these everyday interactions you have with your people are the most important. A reminder of the affection. In the end, thats all you remember. Somedays you cant remember at all. The grief over runs your mind and spirit. All things remind you of your lost loved one or the act of suicide. You get stuck in the perpetual circle of what ifs and why did this happen. You remember certain conversations and what you should have said or done. It's heartbreaking to think of how they chose to leave you. Trust me, it does not go thru their minds that they are leaving us. Its very simple, they want their pain to end. They feel the world is better off.
       But I cant help but think that maybe thats a little true but the opposite way. Maybe they are better off without the world. This may anger you but my point differs from what Im sure your thinking. Our society in general is oblivious to mental illness being real disease. They dont see or hear about the Suicides. They are uneducated to the truth. Until God forbid it happens to their family. We must begin to speak about it, teach each other, comfort one another.
      Grief from Suicide is vastly different. The act itself is very sudden, shocking, and life altering for those that are left behind. Suicides are not like they show in the movies (personally I dont think they should have such things on tv. It makes a mockery of Suicide). In most cases there is not a depressed phone call from a loved one telling you they are going to complete Suicide. Generally no note explaing why they did this or that they love you. Generally open casket is not an option. With that brings denial. Its incredibly easy to deny that someone has passed if you havent viewed them. Its exhausting, soul wrenching, and life changing. You are no longer the same person. Im still trying to figure out who the new me is and how she fits with the self of old. Still learning. I miss my Mom everyday. Oh how I wish so many things.......

Friday, October 10, 2014

Scared to death

Among all of the things. I struggleeveryday with the guilt of losing my Mom to Suicide. What kind of a person stops talking to their mom?! Me thats who. Every anniversary that comes is harder and harder. Im real good at pretending now to be sane and happy. If feels wrong to be happy when she was so obviously miserable. I miss the small things, laughter and late night talks. I just feel lonely without her. I just dont know how long this can go on.
If thats bad enough Im having a health scare right now. It could be the "C" word. Im terrified and again trying to be strong. Words of advice, go get your mammogram.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The World sees saddness, RIP Robin Williams

No one family is immune to depression and suicide. I am not big into the Hollywood scene. Like Kardashian who?? However when a situation like a kind, loving comedian completes suicide I feel its my duty to speak out. Robin Williams battled depression for years. He has spoke out on this at times. But I hear people asking why didn't he make a big deal of it. Well I will tell you why. If he had come out and said, I am depressed and want to die, our society would've made a mockery of it. I can hear it in my head. The world saying, he makes millions of people laugh everyday but he cant make himself happy. Or hes a coward or you can choose to get over your sadness. Its frustrating to hear how un educated some are on this subject.
  Depression is a disease  just like, alcoholism, cancer, arthritis, ect. Like some its treatable. Having depression is taboo, just like in the 50's they still didn't discuss rape or molestation. People are afraid of becoming a mockery. They want some one who really cares and they seldom find them. And honestly if they haven't experienced depression, how can they help and wont they be in hiding anyway?! A myth of depression is if that you act happy you will be happy. Another myth, alcoholism or drug abuse is not the cause of depression. It becomes a symptom of their depression. This mental illness needs attention. Chances are if your reading this, you know someone with depression but they haven't told you. The signs are there. Are they blowing you off when the outing planned is a fav of theirs, or are they sleeping a lot. Do you get one word responses more often than not. Its a serious illness are it is treatable. And more often than I care to admit this illness leads to suicide.
     So lets jump right into the absolute ASSHATS that say suicide is cowardly. Imagine your in your room. No one is home and your favorite saddest songs are playing. Now look down into your lap and look at that .357 Ruger pistol....pick it up. Now stare down that barrel and pull the trigger. Does that sound cowardly to you? It scares the hell out of me just thinking about it. The Suicide scenario I just described was my Moms suicide. In that moment, as much as I hate it, that was the most courage she has ever had. When I was 11, we had attorneys everywhere. From that point on for about 1 years, all my mom would do is sit in her rocking chair and stare out the window. She wouldn't eat, speak, and barely slept. I understood at that point that she was thinking of suicide. So everyday I would get out of the bus and run as fast as I could to get into the house before my lil brother. She never tried. She hung on everyday for us. For 21 more years she clung to life, even tho she battled her past and her demons every second. My Mom was courageous for me and my brother.
      There is so much to the issue of depression and suicide. I wish somehow his family could see this and know they are not alone. A huge number of people understand their pain, guilt, denial, rage, and every other emotion that goes into this grief.
        Today is 1 year, 5 months, 4 hours and 5

minutes since my Mom completed Suicide. Everyday I miss her, grieve her. Everyday I think what if, could I have.
She is my reason for this blog, this fight I will not give up on. She is the reason I will help anyone and everyone I can. I love you Mom, always have, always will.

 In loving memory...Kathlene Elaine King

In loving memory and condolences to
Robin Williams family. My Mom will keep him laughing in Heaven. We will all meet again.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

The woulda, coulda, shoulda Guilt

Im honestly scared that my Mom thought I didnt love her. I stopped talking to her regularly about six months before her suicide. There are many reasons why I came to that decision. All of which now dont seem like such a big deal. Hindsight is 20-20 right. I would change everything about how I reacted to her. I should have tried harder to help her, to take her threats more seriously. I should have listened better.
            But for me it was the samething over and over. She was the victim, she had the issue. It seemed like I was the parent to her more the she to Me. And yet I would take allof it back and more if I could have her back. My soul, my being, aches for my Mommy. She didnt say goodbye to me or my brother. I didnt get to see her physical body, as morbid as it is, when you dont see the body, denial is incredibly easy. It becomes what you stand on. It creates false hope. The day that it really and truly hits are no longer who you once were. And where do you start as an adult?! And who do you ask for advice if your Mom is gone?! Who do I ask about the girl shit i still need to know?!
                    Im ashamed at how I reacted. Im ashamed that I assumed she would always be there, and that I still had time to make up with her. I loved my Mom tremendously. She was smart (IQ 170), she was an artist. Not only could she paint and draw, she could also sew clothing like nobodys business. She had a great sense of humor. She gave great hugs.
I miss her hugs.
I wish she could communicate with me somehow.

Saturday, August 9, 2014


As scary as this is to say, I feel like a whole lot of people would be better off without me. I would be better off not stealing someones oxygen. I cant seem to make anyone happy much less myself. I hate myself completely. I dont even know who I am, but I hate her. She is whiny and weak. She lets others make her feel worthless. Fitting the word worthless is, someone I love very much once pointed that fact out, so it must be true. I like to do nice things for people but in the end it doesn't come back my way.
     What I do have is a never ending pool of sadness and despair. Every moment of everyday I think of my Mom. I miss her bad today, as I do everyday. How do I go on? Who can tell me how to let go? Where is that proverbialtime that heals all wounds? Because all time is doing for me now is making it worse. Every second that ticks by, she is father away from me. Any suggestions? Im on the hhypothetical ledge.....someone please talk me down. Im tirwd of pretending that I am ok. Tired of pretending that Im happy with the circumstances, with myself, with my non existent family. Why do those that love you run from the adversity that you are facing. We are just strangers with thw same last name. Im dying inside. The walls are getting taller and thicker. Is anyone out there where I am?

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I lost myself

       One year and Four months and Three days since my Mom completed suicide. Her pedophile father is now dead. I asked my Aunt, lets call her...Miranda, to keep my Moms name out of his obituary. She thru a shit fit about me being wrapped in self pity! For real bitch?! This man raped my Mom, which caused her to be completely backwards about love and life. He took her childhood, her security, her VIRGINITY. And Im just worrying about myself?! No,I am worried about my Moms name being eternally connected to that child rapist. Did I forget to mention that he raped Miranda also? Ya, its quite disgusting isnt it. How is it that the true victims never get justice? Why did his family forsake her and be good to him. Is this what they call disfunction? Its a disgusting display of idiocy. Hey Miranda, after everything my Mom did for you, she took you in when your own mother didnt want you, dealt with all your BS like when you actually thought you were a vampire. You disgust me and you will NEVER, EVER be in my life again. Who are you to decide that his obituary should shine with my Moms name?
 I am seriously offended by her. So shes cut out of my life.
  With my Moms suicide I find that I am less
tolerant of people and their stupidity. I have put up huge walls so that people cant come in to my life just to leave me the way Mom did. I guess it didnt help that my husband wasnt ther for me after her suicide or that everytime I try to talk to him he ignores me. Hes insensite to me on this subject. He doesnt understand and I dont think he cares to either. Did for better or worse really mean " only if I feel like it"? He doesnt even see that I am on a very slippery slope. I cant even get a real true " Im here for you" hug. Im totally heart broken and devestated on so many levels. My world was ROCKED. I have been through so much in my life. I have been molested, forgotten, neglected, starved (both food and attention). I have been in the middle of my parents marriage, I had to play the role of Mom to my brother when I was still a child myself.  My parents didnt care much about my education or sporting events. Ultimately I gave up. I dont believe in myself, I pretend. Im not comfortable with my looks, even tho everyone says Im beautiful. I dont think Im all that smart, but I have been mildly successful in my work. I could be a better mother, wife, woman, and human being.
        With all that being said this situation, the shocking suicide of my Mom has completely changed my life. The woman I knew myself to be, no longer exists. Not only do I mourn the death of Mom but the death of myself. I am left to find me again. Which is not an easy task when all you can think about is someone else. When all you have are "what ifs". Its even harder with the fact that the only people I have in my life that get it....I only know over the Internet. I have met some really wonderful women that have helped me greatly, but its also sad really. I just want to be held while I cry, to feel some sort of comfort. The feeling when you know your significant person will carry you for a while, be your rock. I guess this is the definition of lonely. I have lots of people around me, people that I love ferociously, and still I feel alone. Dont get me wrong, Im not in anyway saying this is anyones fault. It is what it is. I have been given this burden for a purpose. What that is Im not sure yet. But I think I have a duty to try to help someone. Maybe someone will read this and feel a connection to my truth. They may reach out for help. I just cant be sure but must try.
    My ulimate goal in all this is to honor my Moms name. To   tell her story so shes not forgotten. And maybe...just maybe...heal myself in the process. Fingers crossed

Thursday, June 19, 2014

It's over???

I am very confused as to how I should feel right now. As only a little snippet of my story has been shared, heres some heavy shit. So on 6/15/14, and very fitting I think that it was Fathers day,........The pedophil,  the ruiner of my life, my Mothers invisible murderer, the victimizer of any girl he could get his nasty hands on, finally DIED. I wish there would be a grave to dance on. The man had Parkinson's disease and cancer. Apparently the cancer spread and ultimately killed him. I hope it was painful. But seriously, he couldnt have died a year and 4 months ago?! Maybe my Mom wouldve been able to move on had the fuck been gone. Sorry for the language. Im pissed. Where does he get off having peace while I am stuck in this hell on earth, thinking about how he may have gotten redemption and may be in heaven victimizing my mom all over. Or does she know hes dead, has she forgiven him. A whole host of questionsare raised for me. This isnt even close to being over, there is no such thing as closure. There is no magical time that heals all. There is no fairy godmother. And there is no loyaltyto the ones that deserve it. He gets to be cremate and have a memorial service, OH and yes... he also gets an obituary with a fairy tale of how he was a father and brother and all that. And of course no one respects the honor of my Moms memory or respects my wishes. My moms side of the family had the nerve to list my mom in his obituary. The person she most feared, the person she hated the most, the thief of her ssecurity and childhood, was able to victimize her once again thru his family (they obviously weren't moms) with a fictional writingof his life. He, like the Devil, killed and destroyed. He created depression, dispair, disfunction, warped ideas about love. He stole childhoods, sisterly love, brotherly love. He stole my Mom from me and my brother  as children. She stole my Dads wife, my Grandmas daughter. Why did she get forgotten and forsaken by her family, and he gets a fairy tale. I feel like posting his name so that it can be known that he was scum, a putrid human being. He was not my Moms father. And now I question whether my step dad was stupid enough to list him as her father and I can not bring myself to read it to find out. Im so angry. I can not adequately express what I feel or how badly I want someone to pay for this. I must remember I cant controle everything. I wish I had an answer.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Secret

So because I had said to Mom and Dad what Grandpa had done, the secret came out. My Mom finally revealed that her Dad had raped her since she could remember. Now the "good touch, bad touch" talk made sense. She never wanted to talk about it. It was very difficult for her to understand that it wasnt her fault, that she had done nothing wrong. She really and truly thought she was the only one. Its sad that she felt so alone. Its even worse that when her truth came out, so did her sister's. He had violently and methodically molested and raped my mom and two Aunts. One of my Aunts can not have children. The other has been in non healthy relationships. My mom, looked for love in all the wrong spots. My Dad, brother and I were all there for her. It just wasnt enough. How could it be?! The person that is suppose to protect you and comfort you took your security, your peace of mind. He taught her sex is love, and it effectively ruined who she couldve been. Dont get me wrong, she was a great Mom to us. We were always clean and fed. She made most of our clothes, years later she made all of my homecoming dresses. She was a master seamstress. She was also an artist.  My favorite movie as a kid was Wizard of Oz, so Mom painted a mural around my room. They were all on the yellow brick road, every character. Everyone came to admire her work. Kind of ironic, where was that yellow brick road when she needed it?!
So back in that day, pedophiles went to mental hospitals, off Grandpa went. That made me feel like I had done wrong. I got everyone mad at Grandpa and now Mom is
super sad. I know not my fault, however who's ever been able to control their emotions, especially at 4 yrs old. So now everyone knows the secret. Lots of pity and judgement flying my moms way. I have to admit later in life, I judged her too. Shameful. I will get into that more next time. But for now Grandpa is out of our lives. Little did I know, shit was gonna hit the fan.