Defeated

As scary as this is to say, I feel like a whole lot of people would be better off without me. I would be better off not stealing someones oxygen. I cant seem to make anyone happy much less myself. I hate myself completely. I dont even know who I am, but I hate her. She is whiny and weak. She lets others make her feel worthless. Fitting the word worthless is, someone I love very much once pointed that fact out, so it must be true. I like to do nice things for people but in the end it doesn't come back my way.
     What I do have is a never ending pool of sadness and despair. Every moment of everyday I think of my Mom. I miss her bad today, as I do everyday. How do I go on? Who can tell me how to let go? Where is that proverbialtime that heals all wounds? Because all time is doing for me now is making it worse. Every second that ticks by, she is father away from me. Any suggestions? Im on the hhypothetical ledge.....someone please talk me down. Im tirwd of pretending that I am ok. Tired of pretending that Im happy with the circumstances, with myself, with my non existent family. Why do those that love you run from the adversity that you are facing. We are just strangers with thw same last name. Im dying inside. The walls are getting taller and thicker. Is anyone out there where I am?