Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I lost myself

       One year and Four months and Three days since my Mom completed suicide. Her pedophile father is now dead. I asked my Aunt, lets call her...Miranda, to keep my Moms name out of his obituary. She thru a shit fit about me being wrapped in self pity! For real bitch?! This man raped my Mom, which caused her to be completely backwards about love and life. He took her childhood, her security, her VIRGINITY. And Im just worrying about myself?! No,I am worried about my Moms name being eternally connected to that child rapist. Did I forget to mention that he raped Miranda also? Ya, its quite disgusting isnt it. How is it that the true victims never get justice? Why did his family forsake her and be good to him. Is this what they call disfunction? Its a disgusting display of idiocy. Hey Miranda, after everything my Mom did for you, she took you in when your own mother didnt want you, dealt with all your BS like when you actually thought you were a vampire. You disgust me and you will NEVER, EVER be in my life again. Who are you to decide that his obituary should shine with my Moms name?
 I am seriously offended by her. So shes cut out of my life.
  With my Moms suicide I find that I am less
tolerant of people and their stupidity. I have put up huge walls so that people cant come in to my life just to leave me the way Mom did. I guess it didnt help that my husband wasnt ther for me after her suicide or that everytime I try to talk to him he ignores me. Hes insensite to me on this subject. He doesnt understand and I dont think he cares to either. Did for better or worse really mean " only if I feel like it"? He doesnt even see that I am on a very slippery slope. I cant even get a real true " Im here for you" hug. Im totally heart broken and devestated on so many levels. My world was ROCKED. I have been through so much in my life. I have been molested, forgotten, neglected, starved (both food and attention). I have been in the middle of my parents marriage, I had to play the role of Mom to my brother when I was still a child myself.  My parents didnt care much about my education or sporting events. Ultimately I gave up. I dont believe in myself, I pretend. Im not comfortable with my looks, even tho everyone says Im beautiful. I dont think Im all that smart, but I have been mildly successful in my work. I could be a better mother, wife, woman, and human being.
        With all that being said this situation, the shocking suicide of my Mom has completely changed my life. The woman I knew myself to be, no longer exists. Not only do I mourn the death of Mom but the death of myself. I am left to find me again. Which is not an easy task when all you can think about is someone else. When all you have are "what ifs". Its even harder with the fact that the only people I have in my life that get it....I only know over the Internet. I have met some really wonderful women that have helped me greatly, but its also sad really. I just want to be held while I cry, to feel some sort of comfort. The feeling when you know your significant person will carry you for a while, be your rock. I guess this is the definition of lonely. I have lots of people around me, people that I love ferociously, and still I feel alone. Dont get me wrong, Im not in anyway saying this is anyones fault. It is what it is. I have been given this burden for a purpose. What that is Im not sure yet. But I think I have a duty to try to help someone. Maybe someone will read this and feel a connection to my truth. They may reach out for help. I just cant be sure but must try.
    My ulimate goal in all this is to honor my Moms name. To   tell her story so shes not forgotten. And maybe...just maybe...heal myself in the process. Fingers crossed

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