Wednesday, January 14, 2015

suicidal hypocrisy

As survivors of suicide, we all tell each other that there is nothing we could've done. And for most that is true. For them its a silent killer, one that has been stalking your loved one. There are no warning signs that you notice. There is no dramatic outburst like it shows in the movies. Im glad for those survivors. They don't have to live with the hypocrisy of that statement.
      In my case, when I was 11 my mom was suicidal and I was able to help her thru it. From that point on, I was her go to problem solver. Roles reversed and I was the mom. When I was 17 she was in a severe accident and i was the care taker. Bathing, bathroombreaks, food, cleaning, everything. And I would do it again. When I was older, her husband assulted her. She came to me. It was always that way, right or wrong. So this is my guilt, my hypocrisy in the statement, "I couldn't have helped". I absolutely could have. I was, after all, the caretaker, the giver, the savior. Why did I choose the moment I did to make a stand? Why did I give up on her? This is my burden, one thats not likely to go away soon. And I miss her so much. Its an open wound that wont heal. I would give anything to go back. To be the woman she raised me to be. To be strong, and un selfish. Oh Lord help me.

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