Saturday, October 11, 2014

The emotional turmoil of Suicidal aftermath

      I feel like I am closer to my goal, still so very far away, but closer. My goal being, to tell Moms and My story to anyone that will listen. That our story will help someone, anyone. If this could help just one person, Moms memory will live on forever due to her being part of someone else's story. It also feels a little wrong, selfish even. But she is the reason for my inspiration. And every artist wants their art to live on forever. I must say that I did have help pushing me in the right direction.
       My Moms suicide has made me realize that these everyday interactions you have with your people are the most important. A reminder of the affection. In the end, thats all you remember. Somedays you cant remember at all. The grief over runs your mind and spirit. All things remind you of your lost loved one or the act of suicide. You get stuck in the perpetual circle of what ifs and why did this happen. You remember certain conversations and what you should have said or done. It's heartbreaking to think of how they chose to leave you. Trust me, it does not go thru their minds that they are leaving us. Its very simple, they want their pain to end. They feel the world is better off.
       But I cant help but think that maybe thats a little true but the opposite way. Maybe they are better off without the world. This may anger you but my point differs from what Im sure your thinking. Our society in general is oblivious to mental illness being real disease. They dont see or hear about the Suicides. They are uneducated to the truth. Until God forbid it happens to their family. We must begin to speak about it, teach each other, comfort one another.
      Grief from Suicide is vastly different. The act itself is very sudden, shocking, and life altering for those that are left behind. Suicides are not like they show in the movies (personally I dont think they should have such things on tv. It makes a mockery of Suicide). In most cases there is not a depressed phone call from a loved one telling you they are going to complete Suicide. Generally no note explaing why they did this or that they love you. Generally open casket is not an option. With that brings denial. Its incredibly easy to deny that someone has passed if you havent viewed them. Its exhausting, soul wrenching, and life changing. You are no longer the same person. Im still trying to figure out who the new me is and how she fits with the self of old. Still learning. I miss my Mom everyday. Oh how I wish so many things.......

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